Q&A: “I have a hard time feeling sexy in front of my husband…”

awkward Dear Marna,

I have a hard time feeling sexy in front of my husband. I want to wear lingerie etc. for him, but have a difficult time getting motivated to do so. I also feel very awkward if I even attempt to try to be sexy.  Any tips for me?

Awkward in Lingerie

Dear Awkward in Lingerie,

Kudos to you for wanting to try something new and feeling ready to step outside your comfort zone! As women we have all this weird pressure to feel sexy and embody the epitome of feminine sensuality. The problem is nobody gave us an instruction manual!

First of all take a moment and ask yourself… Are you actually interested in wearing lingerie?


If so, here’s what I recommend: Wear some pretty lingerie by yourself, for yourself to explore what it feels like. No show to put on, nobody else to consider, just you with the intention of playful exploration. If it’s satin texture, notice how the smooth fabric feels on your skin as you walk around, move, make tea or whatever you happen to be doing. Notice whether you enjoy it. It can provide the same type of pleasure as you would feel from petting a cat… ie: something soft moving over the surface of your skin.

Notice if you feel open to being turned on by this. If a thought crosses your mind like “what’s the point of feeling turned on if my husband is not around,” I invite you to consider this: the turn on is actually yours. You may choose to share it with him, but he can neither supply nor be solely responsible for how you feel in your own skin.

nakedWhile silky texture are traditionally turn on material, ask yourself what actually works for you. Maybe its something with rough lace that feels a little bit scratchy on your skin or maybe its something with chain or metal accoutrements that brings a bright, cold sensation.

Lingerie can have a certain visual appeal for your partner, but if at the end of the day wearing one of his button down shirts is what has you feel hot, I don’t imagine he would mind.

If you’re up for it, I invite you to consider walking around the house naked (you’ll probably want to shut the blinds first!). Many of us are used to wearing clothes most of the time. If you’re not use to being naked it can feel intensely vulnerable. The human system can only metabolize so much sensation at once. Sensations that are new can feel more intense (and therefore more likely overwhelming) than sensations you have felt before. When a person is overstimulated they might go into some level of fight or flight response. Some also call this, “going unconscious.”

If being naked or physically vulnerable is rare then it may be extra challenging to stay conscious and connected with your lover. The more you create space to feel naked and/or turned on in general, the more likely you’ll be able to stay present and connected when it comes to sharing intimacy.

lingerieAs you get more comfortable in your skin and feeling turned on when you choose to, you may discover it doesn’t matter what you are wearing. From this place you can choose freely: You can opt to wear lingerie because you enjoy it and it enhances your experiences. If it doesn’t enhance your experience, and as long as it doesn’t detract from your experience, it’s an act of playful generosity to choose to wear something you think he will visually and viscerally appreciate.

I hope this helps. Just remember: true beauty and sexiness flow from the truth of who you are, rather then the image of who you think you should be.

Wishing you Love, Intimacy and Pleasure,


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