Have you ever been in a long term relationship where your partner started to feel more like a nice friend than a passionate lover?
The bad news is that this can be frustrating and disconcerting. The good news is that, by addressing your desires together, you are already beginning to shift the patterns that sent you down rut road in the first place!
Here are three ideas and tools to help you create a new detour (away from rut road!) and bring fresh aliveness back to the scene.
1) Be open to discovering and appreciating new sensations.
Often couples develop a formula for the “best” way they each like to be intimate. Problem is this can also be recipe for falling into thoughtless repetition! While newer kinds of sensations might feel weird at first, give yourself an opportunity to discover the qualities of different kinds of experience.
Here’s an example… In one relationship, I noticed that my partner and I had discovered ways to touch and excite each other that felt very wonderful. It felt so wonderful that, over time, I always wanted our forays to feel “like that.” If it didn’t feel, “Wonderful like that,” something was, “Wrong.”
While I wanted to feel that way, I was also not enjoying myself very much. What I realized is that I was comparing every encounter to “that” because I was afraid that otherwise I would never feel wonderful like that again. How did scarcity creep into my intimacy?!
I began to trust I’d feel like that again some time, and started to pay attention to how I felt and responded and enjoyed myself (or not) in the present moment. Even when it didn’t feel like “that.” This opened a whole new realm of experiences and flavors that I would have missed if I had always needed our connection to feel a certain way.
2) Be aware and sensitive to what’s alive and true in this moment.
What’s going on right now? Next time you are in a lovemaking space, practice bringing yourselves “present.” What does the room feel like? Are the lights bright or dim?
How does your partner’s skin feel beneath your hand? You may think you already know. But anything you know from the past is… passed. You can only know what your partner’s skin feels like right now if you approach the moment with the openness of discovery in your touch.
Same with exploring what, in the moment, brings pleasure to your partner. Thinking that you already know is a one-way ticket down rut road.
3) Take turns focusing attention on each other.
It’s easy to become accustomed to a “now we’re making out and now we’re making love” pattern. So much so that autopilot may develop! What’s great about each individual taking a turn pleasing the other is that the “giver” can explore new and different kinds of touch, and receive honest and real time feedback from the “receiver.” Receivers: beware the temptation to moan and make a show of how much you’re enjoying it… If you aren’t. Your partner actually wants to please you. Let them know what does and doesn’t “yank your chain.” Express this to them with love and appreciation always!
With busy lives, sensual satisfaction and nourishing visceral connectedness is often one of the first values that are unconsciously sacrificed. Use these tools and perspectives to begin giving yourselves back the gift of satisfying sensual sweetness.